To counter my tendency to consume too many YouTube videos, I asked Claude to propose a few artistic websites for me to browse as a means of relaxation. And I visited "It's Nice That" for the first time. I haven't visited any artistic website before (or art-themed — I don't even know how to call them properly) so I didn't know what to expect. But what I found was a lot of joy. The colors, the lines, the rhythm on the page. My eyes and my brain all get a good reset from the forever dark mode of IDEs.
I also clicked on a video (because videos are still easier than reading, somehow) from their event "Nicer Tuesdays". An artist talks about her journey in a somewhat slow-moving rhythm, but very authentic and moving. I watched the full 15-minute video, at first impatiently, then attentively. A few sentences caught my eye. "Self-doubt can be an ally. It serves as an indicator of aspiration. It reflects love — love of something we dream of doing, and the desire, the desire of doing it." It feels so heartwarming to see those words, for me, who has been constantly doubting myself for the past, I don't know, 30+ years, maybe.
A lot of doubts that I had, that I am still having now. Doubts like: What's the true value of my work? What's the true value of creating? I wish I could be an artist, creating things with my own hands, self-expressing. But I also wish that I could be more ambitious, stand on top of the corporate pyramid, and be a good example of a woman leader for my daughter. I wish that I could live simply, close to nature, and with as little worldly burden as possible, but I also want to have style, want to be beautiful and worshipped. These are the doubts from both sides of myself. Both are difficult, and both worth pursuing. Maybe.